My parents live in a nice retirement home within walking distance from where I live. Even though I am from Iowa, my parents left in the mid-80s and moved to Mesa, Arizona where they lived happily for more than 30 years. They were wise enough to realize they were slowing down, had outlived most of their good friends, and would be needing some help. And when it comes to help, we depend on our family so they moved back three years ago.
In their communal dining room, people often join them to eat. We were having lunch with my parents one Sunday and a woman joined us who also goes to our church. She had just returned from a trip to NYC with a group organized by the Des Moines Playhouse (local community theater). In talking about all of their activities, she said, “No one taught me how to get old.”
I was struck by what she said so I asked her to repeat the statement which she did. Then she added, “We learn about the major stages and challenges with every other phase of life and no one teaches us about how to get old!”
In my sage-ing work, I talk about how we don’t “plan” for life after career or life after children leave home (60-85), but now I realized that no one really teaches us yet we have to learn. How should we learn to age with grace?
We learn many ways:
- Watching others and seeking role models who are living in ways that appeal to you.
- Reading, courses, workshops (i.e. I teach a class through Adult Education once a semester on positive aging.)
- Books, articles, and websites (the field is exploding with information: AARP Life Reimagined, Encore.org)
- Movies
- and …
It is interesting to me how the movie industry has been changing their focus and teaching us a lot about this next phase (60-85) such as last year’s Alice. Julianne Moore won an Oscar for her role as a professor who is inflicted with early on-set dementia. There was the Second Best Marigold Hotel and Quartet to name a few more recent movies. Even Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin have a new television show reflecting later life issues, challenges, and joys.
Last weekend we went to see the movie I”ll See You In My Dreams with Blythe Danner and Sam Elliott and I highly recommend it. Most of the reviews agree that while similar in tone to movies a few years ago targeted at the same audience (It’s Complicated and Something’s Gotta Give), it is a deeper movie for thinking people. It does not give you the answers, but my husband and I left with questions that led to good conversations.
Carol (Danner) has been a widow for decades and not interested in another relationship. She focused on her friends and her loyal dog. Then Bill (Elliott) surprisingly enters her life and she is thrown off balance realizing she is lonely and welcomes the companionship. I agree with how this review concludes:
“I’ll See You In My Dreams” has a very definite and sturdy narrative, and it’s a well-handled one that deserves to be discovered by viewers. While I was indeed moved by the film’s gentle conclusions with respect to life and aging, I was on the whole more impressed by how genuinely amiable the movie is: it’s an hour and a half spent with fictionalized people who are a real pleasure to “be” with. That is no small thing.”
I recommend this movie as one way to learn how to age with grace.
What are some ways you are learning to age with grace?
Remember we are all aging and it can be beautiful. What are the alternatives?